Parenting in the age of distraction

Have you tried writing a text and talking to your kids at the same time? You can’t do either very well. Just like our kids can’t scroll through Tik Tok and listen to us or do their math homework at the same time.

As Erika Christakis writes in her article in The Atlantic titled “The Dangers of Distracted Parenting”, “time spent on devices is time not spent actively exploring the world and relating to other human beings.” This is true for both parents and children. Think of the opportunities lost.

This means that when we are engrossed by our devices we aren’t paying attention to those around us — or only paying attention in a half-hearted way. Think of the message you are sending.

Photo by RDNE Stock project from Pexels

In doing some background research for this column I came across authors who had written about how they had been so distracted by their texts, notifications, phone calls and other worldly demands that they had to start their writing all over again. I didn’t think this would be the case for me, but the circumstances of the day I chose to write had me completely distracted by my phone. It took me at least twice the normal time to write.

It’s probably a good thing that smartphones and texting were not a thing for me until my kids were in middle school. The age of distraction is real, and it’s not only for the kids. I’ve seen myself writing a text and not listening to my kids. I’ve been aware that I’m doing this. I’ve not been happy about my choice. And still I’ve continued on with my text rather than put the phone down and give my kids my full attention. It’s absurd. I let this device and the small amount of dopamine it gives me take precedence over the people who are in my physical presence — often the people I love more than anything else in this world.

I know when we are in deep thought or if we are talking on the phone, for example, it’s OK to ask not to be interrupted. And not paying constant attention to our kids helps them become independent, develop resilience, take risks and solve problems themselves. But the phone is omnipresent and this kind of inattentiveness can happen all too much. Beep. Ding. Gong. We snap to the phone and disregard those around us. While I do not use my phone as much as my kids and I am a minimal user of social media, I do gravitate to it. It can be a problem.

The chronic distraction we face as a result of smartphones is impacting us and our relationships, especially our relationship to our children, something crucial to their healthy development.

As we see in our kids, adults can also become irritable when their phone use is interrupted, and as Erika Christakis writes in “The Atlantic,” “a tuned-out parent may be quicker to anger than an engaged one, assuming that a child is trying to be manipulative when, in reality, she just wants attention.” Smartphone use can create a more inattentive style of parenting and this nonengagement can inadvertently communicate to the child that the text, email or scrolling is more important than the child herself.

Children develop in relationships. Our brains develop through a back and forth communication style between child and adult coined as the “serve and return’’ by the Harvard Center on the Developing Child. Babies coo at us, and we respond back. Young children ask for our attention, and we give it to them. Even as adults we feel put off or hurt if we are ignored.

Research indicates that children and teens who are raised by parents who are sensitive and responsive to their needs maintain strong parent-child bonds, have increased cognitive development and do better academically. You can see why being distracted is not good for our kids — it’s hard to be sensitive to a child’s needs when we are paying intermittent attention to the point that we don’t quite read their cues or understand their needs. Not only is this back and forth responsive communication style the foundation for most human learning, it is also the foundation for language development, which happens to be a huge predictor of school achievement.

Perhaps it’s time for us to all self-reflect. How much have our digital distractions interrupted our responsive communication with our children, teens and other loved ones? We might be present physically but only somewhat present emotionally. What are we missing in our children’s lives? What are we teaching them by our distraction? And what are they not learning from our unattuned response? This is not just in our interactions with our young children — it is equally important for our teens. I’ve seen my kids scoff at me for paying attention to my phone instead of them.

It may be that we are slowly losing our ability to show and teach empathy. It may look like this:

Child: “Mom, this really hard thing happened to me at school.”

Parent, looking down at his or her phone: “Oh. Hmm ... Really.”

Child: “Ya. This kid came up to me and called me all these awful names and then dumped my books on the ground.”

Parent, barely looking up: “Oh, that sounds hard. ... Hey, it’s time to start your homework…”

Distracted parents may also see more misbehavior in their children. If kids can’t get their parent’s attention in a nice way, there is a good chance they are going to demand that attention in another way. And this can be where you see the challenging behaviors, tantrums and defiance come in hard.

So what are we to do? The first step in any problem is being aware. Start to notice your phone use. When are you mindlessly scrolling to the detriment of those around you? When do you let that notification win your attention over people in your actual presence? We’ve been conditioned to respond immediately. We don’t have to do this.

Be kind to your kids if they interrupt you mid-email: “Let me just finish this thought. I’ll be right with you.” Set time aside to really connect when your phone is off. Consider “special time,” putting everyone’s devices in the “phone basket” during the hours surrounding dinner, leave your phone at home if you go for a walk, or, gasp, in the kitchen when you take a shower. Set technology-free times for the entire family.

Be responsive to your children’s positive behaviors. Notice when they are trying to get your attention. Stop what you are doing, look them in the eye and let them know they are the most important thing right now — and always.