Need screen time limits? Create a family technology pact
The skills used to create a Technology Pact can be another learning experience beyond that of limiting screen use. When when our family was able to sit down and co-create our Pact, together we were able to talk about our desires, fears, and beliefs surrounding technology use; really listen to the other’s perspective even if we didn’t agree with it; and sit through the discomfort of differing opinions, speak up for our beliefs, and find compromise in a plan that worked for everyone. Learning how to negotiate and hear another’s perspective without dissolving into an emotional mess or raging anger is all too important in today’s world. What a better way to practice these skills in low stakes moments and in the safety of home.
I will admit: my kids’ use of digital media can be a huge trigger for me. I’m not sure why – there were periods in my childhood where I watched four hours of TV a day. Still, I would see my kids sitting on the couch plugged into their devices and it’s all I could do to hold back my judgment and nagging. What I came to realize with much practice and patience is that having clear and firm boundaries around technology use preserved the relationship I have with my kids.
There is no doubt that technology use affords us many benefits. Our devices can open up our world and expand our possibilities within seconds. They can also unwittingly expose us and our children to potentially damaging images, ideas, and social contexts such as pornography, cyberbullying, and violent images. On top of that, our devices with apps, games, social media, and instant replay videos are designed to be addictive in nature. Every notification from the device sends our brain a hit of dopamine, which activates our reward system leaving us craving for more.
When I saw my kids lounging on the couch in a technology-induced hypnotic state, I could find myself screaming inside: SHOULDN’T THEY BE DOING SOMETHING MORE PRODUCTIVE? Playing, getting outside, helping out in the house, taking initiative and responsibility, thinking about others, engaging in face to face interaction, working on some creative endeavor... The list could go on. It’s all I could do (and often not do!) to keep my mouth shut and remember what we have all heard about the importance of balance. To that end, when my kids were 12 and 14, we finally sat down to create guidelines for family media use. It took many iterations and ended in what we called “The Technology Pact”.
A Family Technology Pact will look different for every family. There is no right or wrong. Each family’s pact will be based on individual family culture: values, goals, beliefs, desires, personalities, and your child’s age.
A crucial piece of our Technology Pact was that we co-created it as a family. It would have been easier for my husband and I to write the Technology Pact ourselves. However, I’ve learned that any agreement we have with our kids is not going to work unless the kids participate in the process.
Our Technology Pact started with what we believe about technology use:
that we should be able to use technology;
that technology use should be in balance with other things we do in life; and
that we all need to learn to self-monitor to achieve this balance.
In creating our Pact we realized that defining how we use digital media was necessary. We created and agreed to screen free times – times when using our devices was off limits. For example, eating dinner together is an important time to connect for our family – thus no one is allowed to check their phones during this time. If a phone dings, we ignore it. We built in caveats such as being in touch with a family member who is not at home, or solidifying a plan that is set to happen immediately after dinner.
Together we came up with time limits on daily use. To do this we had long discussions about the definition of “use”. We decided we didn't need to limit use if that use entailed communicating with friends. Afterall, kids today communicate using text and social media, and we decided that beyond excessive social communication, there was no need to limit that.
To address the balance issue, we adopted ideas used by other families I found on the internet. We decided that the kids needed to engage in certain activities before they used their allotted screen time. Thus no devices were to be used before household responsibilities were completed. We also created requirements for reading, creative time, and outdoor/ physically active time.
My husband and I compromised with the kids in some realms – they wanted to be able to check their phones for a few minutes right when they got home so they could be up on any recent social communication. We were fine with that. While I am a firm believer in no screens an hour before bedtime, they wanted to try being given the privilege to use their phone up to 15 minutes before bedtime – so we created a pilot program with this plan to be reevaluated. We allowed for exceptions to our agreements and wrote those directly into our pact.
We came up with agreements around self monitoring our use, how we interact with each other personally when we are using our devices, and individually set goals around our use.
Finally, we decided that if our kids became emotional in regards to digital media use, this indicated to us that they weren’t ready to handle the responsibilities that go along with using their devices. We felt that our kids needed to show us that they could maturely handle stopping their use at the allotted time without us micro-managing and without our kids melting down or begging for more time.
It is always a work in progress. As your kids get older you will want to talk about sexting, pornography and rules about using the phone while driving.
Don’t expect perfection with this. I was not always consistent enough in holding my kids accountable to our agreements which sometimes lead to a slippery slope of my kids not self monitoring. It will be a work in progress.
Above all, maintaining a strong, mutually respectful relationship with your child is essential. Let your children know you value their opinions. While we did not grow up where screens were so accessible, we need to acknowledge that this is an important part of our children’s world. Start this process early. Hear their arguments. Compromise where you can. This kind of back and forth will help your kids live well in an increasingly technological society. Importantly it will also show them you value their input, and will go miles in helping them feel valued in the world.
Find the article from which this was excerpted at Getting Smart
Find a sample Family Technology Pact here
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Note, soon after this blog was published, the United States surgeon general, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, issued a public advisory warning of the risks of social media use to young people. Read more about helping teens navigate social media here.
