Expressing gratitude is more than saying “thank you”
‘Tis the season – Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas – be grateful, give gifts, receive them, express gratitude. Yet what if our kids don’t appear to appreciate or even notice all they have in their lives and it feels like they take things for granted or are entitled? We can foster gratitude year round by noticing what we have or the deeds others have done for us, thinking about the meaning beyond the gift or the deed and appreciating the connection that gift giving can signify. Read on to learn more.
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash
Expressing gratitude is more than saying “thank you”
Your child is disappointed when they get the Disney Lego set when they wanted the Star Wars Legos. They cry over the sweater that Grandma gave them or eat the dinner you meticulously prepared in a huff and even say “that was gross” when they leave the table.
You work hard all day, do the grocery shopping, make dinner and help your kids with their homework with no signs of appreciation. They don’t say thank you for the ride you gave them to a friend’s house or even notice that you went out of your way to do something nice. It feels like you meet your child’s needs, and even some of their wants, but it is never enough.
When prompted with “What do you say?” after being handed a cookie, my nephew famously said, “Can I have two?”
We want our kids to be grateful and to appreciate what they have and what others do for them. So when your child or teen rarely says thank you, never feels like they have enough or doesn’t notice your or other’s efforts, it can be easy to think they are spoiled, entitled or ungrateful. It can leave us as parents feeling shame or embarrassment or judged by others.
What is underneath the surface of their “ungrateful behavior”? Why are they so upset or appear entitled?
One thing to consider is that a child’s lack of expression of gratitude could be more indicative of a lack of ability to regulate emotions and manage disappointment. Think about hoping for one gift and receiving another; we have to first be able to manage the disappointment before feeling gratitude. As parents, when we think of our kids as ungrateful, we have a negative feeling about them, which, as psychologist Becky Kennedy says on her “Good Inside” platform, is no place from which we can support and teach skills.
“If we try to force gratitude on our kids when they are in pain, it actually undercuts their ability to name and handle their own feelings or identify the sources of harm,” she said. Instead of offering perspective, telling kids to “just be grateful” can shut them down.
These situations can put us in a place where we feel like we have to force our children or teens into saying “thank you,” and we have to remember that, as professor and founder of the Raising Grateful Children project Andrea Hussong says, gratitude is more complicated than the simple behavior of saying those two words.
While teaching our kids to say thank you is important, expressing gratitude has more meaning behind it than forcing good manners onto our kids. As Hussong says, there are four components of gratitude. First, it’s what we notice — an awareness of what we have to be grateful for. Then it’s our thoughts about that item, experience or person. Third, it’s our emotions and how we feel about what we have in our lives. Finally, it’s a behavior — it’s what we do to express our gratitude.
It can look like this:
Awareness: “Did you notice that your teacher took extra time out of her day to help you with that assignment?”
Making meaning: “What do you think made her take that extra time out of her day to help you? How did you feel when she was so patient with you?”
Behavior: “Is there anything you could do to show her how much you appreciate her help?”
In helping kids see what Hussong calls “the gift behind the gift” — the awareness that someone put care and effort into their gift or helpful action that in turn inspired a good feeling in you — the gift then also becomes about the connection you have with that person, a realization that they care.
Here are some ideas for questions and conversation starters suggested by Kennedy and others you may use to engage with your kids to start encouraging gratitude:
• “What does it mean to have enough?”
• “Have you ever taken something for granted instead of appreciating that thing?”
• “Should we buy everything we want if it is within our means?”
• “Do you need this or want this?”
• “Your grandparents must have really been thinking of you when they got you this gift.”
You can find more conversation starters on the Raising Grateful Children project or on professor Joel Wong’s “List of Questions to Generate Gratitude”.
Practicing gratitude on a regular basis has been shown to improve positive feelings. It helps us focus on what we have rather than on what we lack. It can reduce anxiety and depression, decrease stress levels, increase resilience and improve sleep quality. Grateful teens are less likely to have problem behaviors at school or to abuse drugs and alcohol, and are more satisfied in their lives.
So when your child gets a gift and doesn’t respond in a way that you hope, take their perspective. Understand their excitement for what’s next, their overwhelmed feeling or even disappointment in that moment. Take a moment with them to notice the gift, what is special about it and why the person gave it. Studies have shown that parents who practice gratitude have more grateful children. Make sure you model gratitude by talking about the opportunities in your life and expressing thanks to others. As a family, share things you are grateful for at dinner, bedtime or the car ride home. Make it a practice. Create a gratitude board or jar where everyone in the family can write what they are thankful for.
With time, practice and understanding you will find that your children gain the skills and perspective to think more deeply about what they are given and what they have in their lives and express it in meaningful ways.
