There are many ways to raise a child
Sometimes the world perceives parenting and raising children as binary: either/or, this way or that way, one or the other. It is not.
While I believe it is our imperative as parents to allow our children and teens to be who they are, I also believe it is our job to teach them skills to live productive, contributing, happy, healthy lives. I don’t think these two are mutually exclusive. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can provide the opportunities, values, and education to your children but if you force them into any of it, there is a good chance it will backfire.
I have written extensively over the last several years in this column about the importance of teaching children skills – self care skills, contributing in the home, and skills to live independently once they move out into the world. I have also written about the idea that children and teens need autonomy and a sense of control and agency in their lives to grow into independent thinkers who feel capable of meeting the various challenges they will encounter throughout their lives.
Children who are backed into a corner of parental control, or overly strict, “my way or the highway”, parenting will fight back hard. Or they will wither. You see these children exerting their independence though power struggles, defiance and rebellion. Or you see them become so compliant that they no longer know who they are.
Similarly, children who are brought up with no structure, few expectations and no responsibility do not thrive. Being raised in an overly permissive household where the children call the shots, are waited on by their parents and whose murmur of an outcry sends parents into surrendering their limits, grow up believing the world revolves around them. These children can feel entitled, incapable, not up to a challenge and quickly learn the behaviors that get them what they want. They often lack self discipline.
Children and teens who have the highest positive self regard are those who feel capable of taking care of themselves and those around them, and who feel they belong and are loved and accepted for who they are. What does this mean? It means as parents we can find a balance between teaching our children skills for independent, kind, respectful, contributing living while also seeing who our kids are, understanding their preferences in life and accepting their whole emotional spectrum. We set limits, and we set them with empathy. As much as possible and in an age appropriate way we create expectations that take the child’s concerns into consideration, and give them the support they need to meet those expectations. We understand that our children have preferences for how they go about life that may be different from ours, and as long as it is not morally or physically harmful, dangerous or negatively impacts the community in which they live, we respect those preferences.
I believe as parents we are all doing the best we can with what we have in any given moment. I believe that parents will raise their children differently given their individual beliefs, values, personalities, life circumstances, upbringing, culture and more. As rational adults, unlike children, we know how to get things done, work through conflict and navigate relationships, and we may get triggered or feel confused when the world doesn't work according to our adult expectations. And this is often when parents look for support and perhaps why they read my column.
There is a lot of research, evidence and philosophy about human development, what can promote positive qualities and positive relationships and what can hinder them. For example, studies show that children who are raised in a firm and kind way with high expectations and high support, something known as authoritative parenting, do better academically and socially and engage in fewer risky behaviors as teens.
As a parent coach I act as a soundboard and a listening ear. I offer research-based ideas about raising children. I challenge ways of thinking. Engage in discussion. Consider perspectives. Take individual circumstances and personalities into account. Provide tools. My hope is to empower parents to feel confident in their interactions with their kids, give them permission to step back or courage to step forward, and offer a solid foundation that starts with a belief in who they are and what they can do. It is parents who then get to decide how to move forward.
It can be easy in this day and age to be critical of others. Perhaps it’s part of our nature or culture or simply the bombardment, often in snippets, we get through media of how others live their lives. Yet it's hard to be critical of another until we’ve walked in their shoes, experienced their triumphs and traumas, and sat down with them to understand their motivations and inner workings.
One of the main things I want in this world is to see families find a place of harmony in their relationships a majority of the time and to see children grow into adults who feel good about themselves a majority of the time. I have a strong desire to see children raised with strong mental health, and to me that starts in the home with family.
There is no one right way to raise a child. When things feel hard take a step back, take a deep breath and look into your heart. What does this child need in this moment? What do you need in this moment in order to give this child what they need? And then move forward. If you’re not sure, I’m always here for support.
I have a plethora of ideas for future columns but I’d also love to hear from you. If you have a question or topic you’d like me to write about, please send your thoughts my way.
Originally published in Jackson Hole News and Guide
