On letting go and becoming a 'parent consultant'

One of the fundamental challenges about raising kids for me is allowing our children and teens to be themselves, while also providing guidance, support and skills to navigate the complicated and unpredictable world in which we live. It is a question that is coming up for me as I navigate raising teens who are soon about to leave the home. 

Perhaps it is my parental anxiety that comes creeping in: I sometimes worry about whether they will be OK in the world and have the capabilities to manage the triumphs and challenges that come their way. Some of my fears are tiny and perhaps insignificant: will they know how to keep a house clean when they get older? Some of them are bigger: will they know how to exist in the world without being tethered to and distracted by a digital device always within reach of their fingertips? And some are even larger: will they be confident, capable individuals who know who they are, feel a sense of self worth, find joy and purpose, know how to rise after they fall and are thoughtful about others?

I know my kids have so many amazing qualities and I also wonder if I have taught them enough: what is actually my job to be teaching them, and where do I step back to let them learn on their own? 

It is well established that kids need autonomy, and I try to give this to my kids as much as I can. While close, I also know that my kids aren’t quite ready for complete free reign. It’s important that they learn boundaries for safety, skills for adult living and how to be in healthy relationships. It’s important that I uphold expectations for mutual respect and contributing to their community. They also still need me to be a loving and supportive presence. 

In their book “What do you Say?”, authors William Stixrud and Ned Johnson address finding the balance between parental involvement and allowing kids to make their own decisions. They call it the “parent consultant”. It may sound a little formal, but when you dive into the meaning, it makes a lot of sense: “... consultants don’t argue with their clients about the same thing again and again, try to force their clients to change, tell their clients what to think and feel, criticize them harshly, do things for their clients that they can do for themselves or  work harder to help their clients change than the clients work.”

No one really wants to be told what to do – it erodes our sense of control and sense of self. As Stixrud and Johnson say, “nagging makes kids dig in their heels and feel less inclined to [do what we are asking]”. Kids resist when we nag because they want to have ownership. Also, the nagging and “you shoulds” can backfire – kids can come to rely on their parents' reminders to the extent that they are no longer motivated to do those things on their own. Additionally, our nagging and expressed anxieties about our children can erode their confidence in themselves. They need to know that we believe they are capable.

Rather, what the authors suggest is that parents put the ball in their kids’ court. Leave the decisions up to them. Rather than trying to force your kids to do something, ask them questions, discuss, and offer your advice – but only if they are willing to accept it. If they aren’t, back off and allow the outcomes (this is of course barring serious safety or mental health concerns).

When faced with the dilemma of whether to jump in to get your kids to do something, you can consider these ideas suggested by Stixrud and Johnson (and I encourage you to read chapter two of their book for more):

“I can’t make this decision for you. What are the pros and cons and what feels best to you? Are you willing to live with any of the potential outcomes?”

“I don’t want to fight with you about this or make it seem like it’s my job to get you to do it… I am willing to support you in a way that feels good to both of us”

“In the future would you like us to help you manage that?”

“I have confidence you can figure this out on your own.”

“May I offer a suggestion? Is this something you’d like help with? Would you like to hear my ideas?” (Be ready that they may say no).

I love my kids so much. I am not always skillful in how I show that love while also maintaining boundaries, upholding expectations and allowing them to be themselves. I want them to know that I think they are amazing creatures just the way they are. But sometimes my fears get in the way. I need to remember to go back to the fundamental question: what is it that this child needs in this moment? How do my needs fit in and are those needs influenced by fear, informed by sound information, or feel true to my heart? From there we can approach our kids as a consultant so that we can give them the autonomy they need, allow them to come to the decision they want to choose and let them learn from the results. 

Importantly, Stixrud and Johnson note, “consultants don’t bring their own emotional baggage”. This is so important and really hard. When you love someone this deeply, you want them to be OK. But you can’t micromanage them to that place of being OK. Sometimes you just have to trust, allow things to unfold, let go, and realize that their journey is no longer, nor was it ever really, yours.

Originally published in Jackson Hole News and Guide