You being present is what kids need most
I have a folder in my computer files titled “What kids need.”
In it I file articles and research papers that talk about children’s outcomes given certain experiences. Along with the linear part of my brain that so wants a formula for parenting, some day I might dig through and synthesize those files to create the “Manifesto on Parenting.”
Obviously I haven’t quite let go of my desire for a formula, despite my Oct. 10 column, “There is no formula you can use to parent.”
We hear about the importance of our children developing social-emotional skills (self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills), executive functioning (working memory, mental flexibility, self-control), and character strengths (grit, gratitude, optimism, resilience, curiosity).
Also important is developing responsibility, finding success in academics and employment and being compassionate and helpful to others. The list goes on. It’s enough to drive parents batty or send them into a tailspin.
To add to that, there are over 3,000 parenting books in print.
I want to ease some of that anxiety. Those above-mentioned developmental skills and brain functions are important, and as parents we don’t have to feel so anxious about helping our kids acquire them. As I wrote previously, I bet you know most of what your kids need to thrive.
What I hear from most parents is that they care deeply about their children. They want what is best for their kids; they want a close connected relationship; and they want a peaceful and harmonious family life.
Seems simple, right? But parents are constantly tackling new challenges and uncertainties.
Can I unconditionally love my 3-year-old who comes at me like a whirling dervish — fists pumping and feet flailing — in a fit of anger?
How do I understand my child’s world when his behavior makes no sense to me or feels irrational, unjustified, hurtful or embarrassing?
How do I hold my teenager accountable when her defiance and strong will are over the top or when he has arguments that I’m not sure how to counter?
As psychologist Jon Lasser notes, it can be easy to tell parents what to do rather than how to do it. As you will often hear me say, this sounds easy in writing, but it can be difficult in practice.
We as parents come into this amazing and important job of raising a child with little training. Very few of us have a background in child development, nor do we understand what behaviors are normal for our child’s age, let alone how a child’s brain is wired. So we bang heads with our kids when their emotional reactions seem unjustified or over the top.
What we often need to realize is that the feelings our children have are real, and while the infraction that caused the feelings may seem slight to us, it may be big to the child. Our children aren’t trying to push our buttons (although they do get pushed), they are simply trying to get a need met.
It helps if we can understand what our kids are developmentally capable of. For example, toddlers and preschoolers are wired to test rules in their quest to understand cause and effect, consistency and power balances. Another example: Executive functioning skills of young teenagers are not fully developed, which can make it hard for them to stay organized and keep track of their lives.
In my mind the most important jobs we have as parents fall into two categories: 1. Love our kids unconditionally and accept them for who they are, and 2. Teach them skills for their long-term development. My next several columns will explore these ideas in depth.
Right now, consider the simplicity of being a parent. Step back from the daily grind of life and just be with your children. Enjoy their company, support them, delight in their presence, try to understand their world.
As written in “Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems” by Kenneth Barish, “what matters most in our children’s emotional development ... is not how strict or permissive we are, but our children’s inner certainty of our interest, encouragement and support.”
Despite the mismatches we have with our children — and studies suggest that parents in good relationships have mismatches, disruptions, and “misattunements” in their rhythms with their children about 70 percent of the time — can we help our children be certain in our unwavering belief and interest in them?
My love of research makes me want to dive in and solve the mystery of what kids need, but my parent brain knows I can let go of all that. The less I worry about who my kids will be the more I am able to be present with them and really give them what they need.
