Many factors can foster your child’s internal motivation
Photo by Katerina Holmes
This is the second in a two part series on motivation. Read part 1 here.
Think about a time when your child or teen was not motivated to do something. What was going on for them? Walking in their shoes can help us make sense of this often frustrating lack of motivation we see in our kids.
It’s hard for kids to be motivated when what is being asked of them doesn't feel like it matters, has no immediate relevance, or isn't interesting. If they feel overwhelmed, coerced into the task, or if their mood is low, chances are their motivation will be low too. If there are distractions or the environment isn’t conducive to getting the job done, it’s less likely they will start. And if they don’t have the skills or the belief they can do the job, then why even begin?
I want you to stop and think for a moment about the last time you were completely motivated to do something. Why was that activity motivating? What were the conditions and your frame of mind? In my October 5 column “Rewarding our kids can kill internal motivation”, I wrote about what doesn’t help foster motivation. The good news is that there are plenty of factors that can.
Autonomy. As William Stixrud and Ned Johnson say in their book The Self Driven Child, “the best way to motivate a child is to support their sense of control” by giving them as much personal freedom over carrying out a certain task. Ask, “is there a way to do this task that works for you?” As I wrote about in my October column, parental top down control can destroy motivation so we need to hand over the control to our kids, of course within the realm of safety and within agreed upon boundaries. People learn best when they perceive that they have meaningful and appropriate agency over their learning. Some voice and choice over the task at hand coupled with ownership rather than passive and compliant learning is helpful.
A growth mindset and self efficacy. Our kids need to have a belief in their ability to grow and achieve mastery. Self efficacy is our belief that we can do something – complete a task or achieve a goal. When we add in a growth mindset, we believe we have the capacity for hard work, the skills and the knowledge to do the job, or a way to ask for help or find the strategies to obtain those skills and knowledge. In other words, kids need to have the belief that “I can do it”, or find support that leads to their success.
Competence. We are less likely to be motivated if we don’t feel competent enough to do the job. Find out if your child has the necessary skills, and help them obtain those skills if they don’t. As Stixrud and Johnson note, “competence is more about our feeling that we can handle a situation than it is about being really great at something”. We also need to be aware that each brain is wired differently and learning what works best for each person is important.
Constructive emotions. People learn best when they are in constructive emotional states rather than feeling excessive stress, anxiety or low mood. Outside factors influence our emotions, and our brains don't learn well when they are stressed or in a fight or flight mode. Thus we need to take off some of the pressure. Taking a break, eating a healthy snack, being well-rested, getting a breath of fresh air or some movement can all help. And of course reach out for professional help if your child’s moods are persistent and detrimental to their well-being.
Value and purpose. We are more motivated to do a task if it has meaning to us. Thus it helps if the child has a sense of why the task is important. People learn best when they find the content, outcomes, processes and relationships associated with the task important and relevant. Is there any value your kids can see in the task even if it seems boring? How can you relate the task to their lives?
Relationship. Feeling cared about and connected to others makes a difference. When a child or teen has a positive relationship with a teacher, coach or family member, they have a stronger desire to cooperate and work hard for that person.
Joy. As Stixrud and Johnson say, “our brain’s reward system is fueled by dopamine which activates and energizes the brain”. When something fun happens, or when you are anticipating fun, you get a surge or dopamine. When our dopamine level is too low, we may experience things as boring and thus not have the motivation to start or sustain the task at hand. Think homework for example, which I will address in a future column. Sometimes incentives can help when the joy factor is low, but as my previous column notes we want to be careful about offering too many rewards. Often a healthy dopamine system comes from a person working hard at something they love.
Empathy. Offering a bit of empathy and validation can open up windows for your child to relax, investigate and work toward a solution. “I know you don’t want to do your homework. What’s making it so hard for you right now?”
Environment. In today’s world, distractions are ever-present for our youth – and ourselves. Our devices, social media and video games can be so much more compelling. Help your child or teen create healthy boundaries around outside distractions.
Encourage. I want to end this with this as Vicki Hoefle says so well: “The key to developing cooperation is how we respond to their unwillingness. Do we try to squash it with controlling language, do we bribe them with rewards and stickers, OR—do we use our power to encourage by empathizing with their feelings, finding out more about the situation by asking questions, giving them real reasons for doing the task, and allowing them some choice in how or when the task is going to be completed?”
Our kids are not going to be 100% motivated 100% of the time in 100% of the tasks they have to complete. Neither are we. We won’t be able to foster all of these above ideas all of the time. Be realistic and start by connecting. Really see into your child. As Stixrud and Johnson say, our kids need to know that we as parents care more about them than we do about the task at hand.
Originally published in Jackson Hole News and Guide
